Overview of the last few days...

Honestly, it may not be as hard as I thought it would be...yet!

I have decided to take gluten out of my diet.  That doesn't mean I will never eat it again. However, the more I read, from research and testimonials of friends, I'm finding gluten is a common enemy of Hashimoto's.

I've agreed to myself that I am not quiting cold turkey.  I am slowly easing into it for the next couple weeks.  That doesn't mean that I am going to intentionally eat it, but rather give myself some time to learn where it is, terms to look for, and tasty replacements/alternatives.

I started by buying my own gluten free bread and pasta.  Haven't tried them yet.  I also started being more responsible with my decisions over the weekend, avoiding gluten as much as possible.  I did rather well.  I was proud of myself.  I still had a few things with gluten, but making that conscious effort will pay off.

Now, avoiding triggers.  Stress makes me eat things I normally wouldn't anyhow.  Now I have a bigger excuse not to.  I'm telling myself, I'm not allowed.  I'm also telling myself to find an alternative, healthy choice if needed.

Another thing I am trying is Armour thyroid.  I have heard the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I won't know until I try it.  Other thyroid medicines have made me unbearably sick.  I am willing to give this one a shot.  It can't be any worse than what I have already experienced.  It's hard, because I am very anti drug unless absolutely required.  Unfortunately, it has come down to a possible requirement.  I will update on how I feel that  is going.

Mentally, I feel like this could work.  Emotionally, I am struggling.  I feel like I am preparing for a battle.  One I'm not completely ready for.  My only enemy is fear of failure.  It isn't something that I can just shake off or let go of.  It's there staring me in the face daily.

What I haven't mentioned is that I have ADHD.  I have been ignoring that while this has been on the forefront of my mind.  ADHD has a tendency to creep in and allow me to become sporadic, and not finish things I've started.  So...that could happen.  That alone is a fight in itself.

Slow and steady wins the race, right? So here I go. Starting slow, and diligently not setting myself up for failure.  One thing at a time.  Attempting to keep this successful.

So, I am a mom. Great.
I am a married 36 year old woman. Nice.
I've been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that is Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Just Ducky!
Ha! Life is full of amazing things.  This isn't one of them...

This is where the rubber meets the road- because today marks the beginning of a tumultuous fight.  Sure, you can call it a journey.  I'm calling it a fight. That's what it is.  I am way out of my element here and only have the basic tools to start this fight.  I'm not armed and dangerous...yet. 

I feel so anxious and depressed all the time about this. I feel guilt, shame, and worthless at times. I feel lost in a tomb...buried alive.

I'm tired of hearing, "well if you'd just take your thyroid med, this would all go away". I did and it made me so sick I couldn't function at all. 

I'm tired of hearing, "you just need to work out".  I have, and it made me gain more weight, fall deeper in depression, and made me lose hope.

I'm tired of being asked, "oh, when are you due?" X-(   Why do people still ask this!?

I'm tired of, "well if you just watch your portion size..."  Really? Duh! Yeah, that what it is, how could I have been missing this all along? {insert sarcasm}

I just want to hit people with a nerf gun!  I've known that I had the thyroid issue since I was 21, a size 12/14. Here I am 15 years later...a size 18/20. I just look at people, when they say stuff, and think, yep! If you only could shush the demons of fatigue, depression, despair, and guilt that haunt my every food decision, medical failure, and daily activities.  

"Well, you lost weight when you were pregnant, I don't get it!" That's a good one. Yeah, I didn't get it either.  I weighed 184 lbs when I found out I was pregnant with my son.  When we went in for his 2 week newborn check-up, I weighed 135 lbs! What!? Yeah an almost 50 Lb difference.  I ballooned back up to 180lbs before my pregnancy with my daughter.  Weigh in at 2 week check-up: 145 lbs. Hormonal inconsistencies with my thyroid contributed heavily with this.  I quickly ballooned back up, and by 2010 I hit 200 lbs. 

I am now a whopping 233 lbs! 

At age 36, I refuse to let this define me, consume me, and defeat me.  I will fight this thing! I need help though.  I am horrible at doing things on my own.  Maybe it's a self worth thing, I don't know.  I'm still working through all these ugly emotions. 

I am the mother of two beautiful children.  I want to watch them grow up and marry, and maybe have children of their own, whatever they may choose.  Either way, I want to be around for it all... 

If I stay here in this predicament, as it is today, I will continue to be miserable and feel disgusting for the rest of my life.  I can't! I won't! I'm fighting this!  I may fail miserably over and over again.  But I refuse to entirely give up!