Falling off the Band Wagon and a lesson from Pilgrim's Progress

Here is the raw and ugly truth of how the last couple weeks have really been:

So....I fell off.  I fell off the band wagon of Hashimoto fighting success. I tried it, for a whole month I did well. I lost 7 solid pounds.  I felt (and saw) my waistline and jaw line slim down a bit.

But like all things in my life, I simply cannot stay on task.  I lose the light at the end of the tunnel every time.  I just give up.  I give up to easily.  Things get crazy, hectic, and overwhelming.  I start making excuses. I become lazy.  I start to feel good for a quick minute and let my brain trick itself into thinking it's all okay.  I feel alone.  I hate being alone.  I find friends to help along the way, I meet some that have great advice.  But they have their own ways of doing things.

I am mainly depressed about a handful of things.
1) I am still looking at my body dismayed at what I see.  I hate it.  I hate most of it.
2) I haven't stuck to my gluten free diet, of which I have been reminded by people.
3) I have a degree and no license for PTA and it kills me, but I'm so sad, I cannot seem to overcome fear filled demons of failure.
4) I feel stuck.  I love my job; however, I either work too much or find that I'm not making enough to be financially "happy".  I don't even make close enough to my potential had I acquired that license.  I'm really torn here with 3 & 4.

All of it hurts.  It kills me.  I cry when no one knows.  I just keep going.  Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Aren't we supposed to keep muddling through it. Trudge on? But oh how difficult it is.

So today I am reminded of this excerpt from Pilgrims Progress, by John Bunyan.

"I beheld, then, that they all went on till they came to the foot of the hill "Difficulty," at the bottom of which was a spring. There were also in the same place two other ways besides that which came straight from the gate; one turned to the left hand, and the other to the right, at the bottom of the hill: but the narrow way lay right up the hill (and the name of the going up the side of the hill is called Difficulty). CHRISTIAN now went to the spring, and drank thereof to refresh himself;

"They shall not hunger nor thirst; neither shall the heat nor sun smite them: for he that hath mercy on them shall lead them, even by the springs of water shall he guide them." Isaiah 49:10

and then began to go up the hill, saying:

"This hill, though high, I covet to ascend;
The difficulty will not me offend,
For I perceive the way to life lies here:
Come, pluck up, heart, let's neither faint nor fear!
Better, though difficult, the right way to go,
Than wrong, though easy, where the end is woe."


The other two also came to the foot of the hill. But when they saw that the hill was steep and high, and that there were two other ways to go; and supposing also that these two ways might meet again with that up which CHRISTIAN went, on the other side of the hill, therefore they were resolved to go in those ways (now the name of one of those ways was "Danger," and the name of the other "Destruction"). So the one took the way which is called Danger, which led him into a great wood; and the other took directly up the way to Destruction, which led him into a wide field full of dark mountains, where he stumbled and fell, and rose no more."

I want to be more like Christian.  Take time to refresh.  Know that there is nothing to fear and overcome this hill of difficulty.  I know there are many types of difficult hills in everyone's life.  Trust me, I've tried to go around them a few times.

I seek restoration.  I know that this includes health, use of my full potential, and financial freedom.  I know how to get there.  Yet, it is the biggest hill to overcome...all three of these things are on this hill, together.  They really can't be seperate.  I'd like to think of them as tiers or levels.  I must overcome each one.  Every ounce of me wants to give up.

Here is why: guilt.  I feel guilty for not having the family I think I should.  Family dynamic has changed. I don't feel adequate as a wife or mother most days.  I am reminded of these short falls daily.  The guilt consumes me..it grips me.  Like a moment when you afraid and stand still, trying to hear or see or grasp that which makes you feel afraid, paralyzed I stand here full of guilt and misery from failure after failure after failure.

I don't want a pity party. Of course, I know I'm not alone.   And yeah, I know that this is a normal thing to go through.  It doesn't make me feel any less guilty, and less overwhelmed, any less of a failure.

I am trying to remember Christian's words in a nutshell... It is better to climb this difficult hill, to not fear it, and to not take the easy way out.  There are life lessons to be learned here, even if I don't want to learn them.  I can use this to help others.  And honestly, at this moment, that is the Only thing that keeps me trudging.

The Stages

So there is obviously stages in which I will be dealing with this.

First, there's the information is knowledge stage.  I found out soooo much information about Hashimoto's.  I learned what is good, what is bad, etc.  I armed myself with knowledge to embrace it, to fight it, and hopefully overcome it.

I've embraced it.  I am fighting it.  But there is one small problem.  I am in a very angry stage with it.

Can I just say for the record: I hate Hashimoto's!  Why!?  I hate it!  I hate having it! I hate fighting it!  I hate having to be so careful and take a pill, and supplements, and blah blah blah! I hate Hashimoto's! I don't think I can say this enough...

So yeah that is what I'm dealing with today.  

Anger helps, I know.  But it's frustrating nonetheless.  

On Gummy Bears & Brownies

I LOVE gummy bears...but I hate some of them now.  No, not because they taste bad, or because they are so colourful and ridiculously chewy and juicy at the same time. I am so mad that my favorite candy treat....has gluten!  Well, duh! How else do you think they keep those crazy little bears, (and worms, too) together??  Wheat! Man, I was so bummed!  I think Haribo sells gluten free ones... And they are good.  However, the ones at Kroger in the marketplace bulk section, those are the ones I crave.

In other news, I tried the Gluten Free Brownies made by Betty Crocker today.  Not bad.  I had a few bites.  They are rich and more on that dark Choclate side.  I'm impressed! I am not a big baked goods eater, but these hit the spot...the one I have that craves chocolate brownies once a month.