With every good intention...

So today was supposed to be the first day of a 3-5 day cleanse that I am doing on my own.  It's based off of The Blueprint Cleanse.  However, like the space cadet that I am, I had a minor bump in the road.  I bought all my ingredients.  Chopped up all that was needed for breakfast, snack,  and lunch for today.  I did this yesterday before going to my nephews grad party.  I packed it all, including my Ninja blender.  I took the cooler inside and set it by the air conditioner so it wouldn't be gross in the hot car.  I had to leave the party to go to a clients house.  I had planned my meals, because I was staying the night over at the clients, due to him needing 24/7 care.  I left it there at my sister in-laws.  I was devastated...nearly in panic mode.

You see, I had mentally prepared myself to hit the ground running with this thing.  Now, it was delayed.  I couldn't have been more disappointed in myself.

In an effort to overcome it, I came to the conclusion that I've been delaying things all my life...what's one more day?!

That's just it though.  Don't we always do that.  We tell ourselves, that we will start tomorrow.  We will promise that this is the last binge, the last treat, the last indulgence.  Tomorrow comes and we reason with ourselves, "What's one more day?" Again, the vicious cycle begins. Over and over.

I am promising myself not wait another day due to this delay.  Yeah, I didn't get to start today.  But I refuse to let it set me back.  I may have very well let myself give up.  Last night I posted a full length selfie on Facebook.  I don't normally do that.  I don't like what my body looks like.  I was wearing the most colourful outfit I think I have ever owned.  I explained that for years I have let myself just be, just let go, and hide behind shades of black and white.

I am overwhelmed with the response I received.  I have the most amazing people in my life.  I have what feels like a thousand cheerleaders!  God revealed something so amazing to me...I'm never alone.  I won't do this alone.  I don't have to.  I have to do it, but I have friends and family who care enough to respond when I am at my worst and lift me up.  Some told they admire me.  How humbling!  I admire them more than I can even express.

I am nothing with Christ, who strengthens me.  He does this in my everyday life.  My body, spirit, and mind.  It is He that we should admire.  He carries me through all of it.

As I get ready to cleanse my body with nutrients...I feel as though I needed to cleanse my spirit first...and God made a way for that.  Where there is healing, there is peace.

I'm ready.

Bring on Tuesday!!!

This is Bananas!

Banana bread, I hate you. Okay, not really.  How do I love thee, let me count the ways...I love thee with butter, I love thee warmed up, I love thee with a cup of strong Earl Grey and honey....
Enough drooling, already!

Sheesh!!

So, guess what I ate today? Isn't it obvious.
Well, it's not an epic failure.  To also clarify I didn't make it and only had a piece.  I'm good now.  I don't need to eat another piece for a very, very long time.

Welcome to my crazy week! I feel like I'm on a "goodbye tour".  I have been eating very little gluten, but when I do, I tell it, "Goodbye". Parting, really is such sweet sorrow.  I know I need to cut out the gluten in my diet.  I told myself within the next week and a half, I need to be strictly following it.
So, in the meantime, I farewell foods which are keeping me from being the best me.  I feel like a kid again.

I moved a lot as a child and had to say goodbye to so many friends.  Sure, I made new ones, but I missed those old friends and remembered them forever.  They were good memories.  When I review my life, I have no regrets.  I wouldn't be here today without each and every one of those friends.  I wouldn't be here writing this blog if I hadn't of experienced how Hashimoto's effects my life.
However, it is time to move on.  Time to make new acquaintances, or alternatives in this case.
So bananas are good.  Just not in bread. No more Monkey Business! ;-)

"Don't pass the bread, please?"

So, I tried a gluten free bread today.  Two things I learned: I don't care for it much, and might just be happy doing without.  If I have it again, it will be much more thinly sliced.  I had it with sandwich meat, and frankly, it was gross.  I ended up rolling the meat around my pickle and eating it alone.  I've never been a fan of bready stuff though.  No bread? I'm good, thanks!

In other news, I had a Boston Heart Diagnostic run on me a few weeks ago.  My triglycerides are super high.  The good news is, I can change it.  The bad news...Niacin! My doctor is recommending Niacin and I'm not exactly happy about that.  It causes flushing and well, I do that enough as it is.  I will be supplementing  with L methylfolate, Vitamin D, and fish oil, or Levozaz.  I also get the fine privilege of taking Lipitor or Crestor depending on insurance.

My cholesterol level is within range, but because my triglycerides are wonky, I get a candy dish for breakfast.  :-/ These may not all be permanent, I don't think.  And if my information seems wrong, forgive me, I'm trying to soak it all in and learn.

What an adventure... This should be fun!

Overview of the last few days...

Honestly, it may not be as hard as I thought it would be...yet!

I have decided to take gluten out of my diet.  That doesn't mean I will never eat it again. However, the more I read, from research and testimonials of friends, I'm finding gluten is a common enemy of Hashimoto's.

I've agreed to myself that I am not quiting cold turkey.  I am slowly easing into it for the next couple weeks.  That doesn't mean that I am going to intentionally eat it, but rather give myself some time to learn where it is, terms to look for, and tasty replacements/alternatives.

I started by buying my own gluten free bread and pasta.  Haven't tried them yet.  I also started being more responsible with my decisions over the weekend, avoiding gluten as much as possible.  I did rather well.  I was proud of myself.  I still had a few things with gluten, but making that conscious effort will pay off.

Now, avoiding triggers.  Stress makes me eat things I normally wouldn't anyhow.  Now I have a bigger excuse not to.  I'm telling myself, I'm not allowed.  I'm also telling myself to find an alternative, healthy choice if needed.

Another thing I am trying is Armour thyroid.  I have heard the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I won't know until I try it.  Other thyroid medicines have made me unbearably sick.  I am willing to give this one a shot.  It can't be any worse than what I have already experienced.  It's hard, because I am very anti drug unless absolutely required.  Unfortunately, it has come down to a possible requirement.  I will update on how I feel that  is going.

Mentally, I feel like this could work.  Emotionally, I am struggling.  I feel like I am preparing for a battle.  One I'm not completely ready for.  My only enemy is fear of failure.  It isn't something that I can just shake off or let go of.  It's there staring me in the face daily.

What I haven't mentioned is that I have ADHD.  I have been ignoring that while this has been on the forefront of my mind.  ADHD has a tendency to creep in and allow me to become sporadic, and not finish things I've started.  So...that could happen.  That alone is a fight in itself.

Slow and steady wins the race, right? So here I go. Starting slow, and diligently not setting myself up for failure.  One thing at a time.  Attempting to keep this successful.

So, I am a mom. Great.
I am a married 36 year old woman. Nice.
I've been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that is Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Just Ducky!
Ha! Life is full of amazing things.  This isn't one of them...

This is where the rubber meets the road- because today marks the beginning of a tumultuous fight.  Sure, you can call it a journey.  I'm calling it a fight. That's what it is.  I am way out of my element here and only have the basic tools to start this fight.  I'm not armed and dangerous...yet. 

I feel so anxious and depressed all the time about this. I feel guilt, shame, and worthless at times. I feel lost in a tomb...buried alive.

I'm tired of hearing, "well if you'd just take your thyroid med, this would all go away". I did and it made me so sick I couldn't function at all. 

I'm tired of hearing, "you just need to work out".  I have, and it made me gain more weight, fall deeper in depression, and made me lose hope.

I'm tired of being asked, "oh, when are you due?" X-(   Why do people still ask this!?

I'm tired of, "well if you just watch your portion size..."  Really? Duh! Yeah, that what it is, how could I have been missing this all along? {insert sarcasm}

I just want to hit people with a nerf gun!  I've known that I had the thyroid issue since I was 21, a size 12/14. Here I am 15 years later...a size 18/20. I just look at people, when they say stuff, and think, yep! If you only could shush the demons of fatigue, depression, despair, and guilt that haunt my every food decision, medical failure, and daily activities.  

"Well, you lost weight when you were pregnant, I don't get it!" That's a good one. Yeah, I didn't get it either.  I weighed 184 lbs when I found out I was pregnant with my son.  When we went in for his 2 week newborn check-up, I weighed 135 lbs! What!? Yeah an almost 50 Lb difference.  I ballooned back up to 180lbs before my pregnancy with my daughter.  Weigh in at 2 week check-up: 145 lbs. Hormonal inconsistencies with my thyroid contributed heavily with this.  I quickly ballooned back up, and by 2010 I hit 200 lbs. 

I am now a whopping 233 lbs! 

At age 36, I refuse to let this define me, consume me, and defeat me.  I will fight this thing! I need help though.  I am horrible at doing things on my own.  Maybe it's a self worth thing, I don't know.  I'm still working through all these ugly emotions. 

I am the mother of two beautiful children.  I want to watch them grow up and marry, and maybe have children of their own, whatever they may choose.  Either way, I want to be around for it all... 

If I stay here in this predicament, as it is today, I will continue to be miserable and feel disgusting for the rest of my life.  I can't! I won't! I'm fighting this!  I may fail miserably over and over again.  But I refuse to entirely give up!