3 Years after Diagnosis:: The Struggle Bus is Real

...3 Years after Diagnosis::

The Struggle Bus is Real

I laid this journey down for one too many reasons.  I thought for sure I was going to conquer this thing.  I now had all the answers and knew exactly how to send this beast into remission.  Then I realized something immediately.  This lifestyle change wasn't attainable... Not only was it very expensive, I lacked one thing: willpower.

If I told you now that suddenly I have found it, it would be a flat out lie.  I had a doctor look me square in the face and tell me all the things wrong with my body. She told me my adrenals were all out of wack. She explained that my body lacked so many things it needed to function properly and that I'd have to take medications and supplements, yada yada...  I walked away from her office feeling defeated before I had even begun.  I hid that well... for a while.  

I rushed to the pharmacy and filled my prescription.  I bought a couple of the supplements she reccommended.  I ate really well, you know, a diet for Hashi's, which lasted a week and a half...

I decided to blog about it, hold myself accountable, and spread the news. Until one day, I just couldn't.  Once day, the silent, gradual thief of my life began hiding again. I went to bed one evening, about 3 weeks after taking the medication.  Wrapped my arms around myself (as I often do) to sleep and felt a lump  on the far left side of my left breast. Immediately I sat up in bed... terrified.  I was alone that night, but sent a message to my sister right away.  Freaking out and panicking is not my nature... but I was crying.  This lump felt very round and about the size of a golf ball.  Having studied anatomy through college and after examining both sides, I knew it was definitely not there before.  I made an appointment to get a mammogram right away.  They basically told me it was fluid built up. Never gave me follow up as to why it was there or what to do.  

Fast forward to another month later... I had stopped taking the thyroid meds after they ran out... I wasn't feeling right...groggy, disoriented, and moody.  Once I stopped taking them I noticed that I felt my "normal" again.  I was always tired...but I attributed that to never stopping in my day to relax. I wasn't moody, I wasn't over-obsessing, stressing, and feeling cloudy.  One night I curled back up in a ball with my arms around me, and noticed the biggest change of all... the lump was gone.

I had explained to at least 4 doctors since the age of 21 that thyroid meds make me ill.  They paralyze me...keep my from doing anything.  My body can't take them. It throws my thyroid off so bad that I can barely move, breathe, or function.  I get migraines, flu-like symptoms, and feel like vertigo is about to set in.  They all...every one of them... have laughed at me.  

So... naturally, I have no idea whether said lump was from this alternative thyroid med or not...but I refuse to risk taking a pharmaceutical drug ever again for it.  It's been 3 years and I am lump free. 

However... chronic fatigue, dry skin, obesity, and the constant mental battle continues.  I wake up every day and feel like I am cranking up an old rusty 1925 Studebaker Special. I keep it moving because I know what will happen if I don't.  I just want to feel new again, healthy again...I have a pretty cool immune system, but this other stuff... sucks. I battle the slope between anxiety about my health and financial well being.  Kicking this thing in the rear will cost me more than time and energy.  

The Bottom Line:

I can overcome this. I can send it into remission.  I can change how I feel. While there is no set cure for Hashimoto's and I will sit on the struggle bus with this diagnosis for the rest of my days...I know these things:: Pharmaceutical drugs are not the answer.  To make things worse, my insurance won't cover an endocrinologist in my area who can really dissect the roots of the issues I have, nor do I have the time or patience to follow them all to a T right now.  So while it may take me a while to figure out what works for me, every journey is different.  Mine will take a lot of hard work and dedication.  I keep praying that willpower will kick in.

Until then... I will fight for other lives and hopefully fighting for mine will become second nature.
#strugglebus #hashimomfighter #hashimotosthyroiditis

Falling off the Band Wagon and a lesson from Pilgrim's Progress

Here is the raw and ugly truth of how the last couple weeks have really been:

So....I fell off.  I fell off the band wagon of Hashimoto fighting success. I tried it, for a whole month I did well. I lost 7 solid pounds.  I felt (and saw) my waistline and jaw line slim down a bit.

But like all things in my life, I simply cannot stay on task.  I lose the light at the end of the tunnel every time.  I just give up.  I give up to easily.  Things get crazy, hectic, and overwhelming.  I start making excuses. I become lazy.  I start to feel good for a quick minute and let my brain trick itself into thinking it's all okay.  I feel alone.  I hate being alone.  I find friends to help along the way, I meet some that have great advice.  But they have their own ways of doing things.

I am mainly depressed about a handful of things.
1) I am still looking at my body dismayed at what I see.  I hate it.  I hate most of it.
2) I haven't stuck to my gluten free diet, of which I have been reminded by people.
3) I have a degree and no license for PTA and it kills me, but I'm so sad, I cannot seem to overcome fear filled demons of failure.
4) I feel stuck.  I love my job; however, I either work too much or find that I'm not making enough to be financially "happy".  I don't even make close enough to my potential had I acquired that license.  I'm really torn here with 3 & 4.

All of it hurts.  It kills me.  I cry when no one knows.  I just keep going.  Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Aren't we supposed to keep muddling through it. Trudge on? But oh how difficult it is.

So today I am reminded of this excerpt from Pilgrims Progress, by John Bunyan.

"I beheld, then, that they all went on till they came to the foot of the hill "Difficulty," at the bottom of which was a spring. There were also in the same place two other ways besides that which came straight from the gate; one turned to the left hand, and the other to the right, at the bottom of the hill: but the narrow way lay right up the hill (and the name of the going up the side of the hill is called Difficulty). CHRISTIAN now went to the spring, and drank thereof to refresh himself;

"They shall not hunger nor thirst; neither shall the heat nor sun smite them: for he that hath mercy on them shall lead them, even by the springs of water shall he guide them." Isaiah 49:10

and then began to go up the hill, saying:

"This hill, though high, I covet to ascend;
The difficulty will not me offend,
For I perceive the way to life lies here:
Come, pluck up, heart, let's neither faint nor fear!
Better, though difficult, the right way to go,
Than wrong, though easy, where the end is woe."


The other two also came to the foot of the hill. But when they saw that the hill was steep and high, and that there were two other ways to go; and supposing also that these two ways might meet again with that up which CHRISTIAN went, on the other side of the hill, therefore they were resolved to go in those ways (now the name of one of those ways was "Danger," and the name of the other "Destruction"). So the one took the way which is called Danger, which led him into a great wood; and the other took directly up the way to Destruction, which led him into a wide field full of dark mountains, where he stumbled and fell, and rose no more."

I want to be more like Christian.  Take time to refresh.  Know that there is nothing to fear and overcome this hill of difficulty.  I know there are many types of difficult hills in everyone's life.  Trust me, I've tried to go around them a few times.

I seek restoration.  I know that this includes health, use of my full potential, and financial freedom.  I know how to get there.  Yet, it is the biggest hill to overcome...all three of these things are on this hill, together.  They really can't be seperate.  I'd like to think of them as tiers or levels.  I must overcome each one.  Every ounce of me wants to give up.

Here is why: guilt.  I feel guilty for not having the family I think I should.  Family dynamic has changed. I don't feel adequate as a wife or mother most days.  I am reminded of these short falls daily.  The guilt consumes me..it grips me.  Like a moment when you afraid and stand still, trying to hear or see or grasp that which makes you feel afraid, paralyzed I stand here full of guilt and misery from failure after failure after failure.

I don't want a pity party. Of course, I know I'm not alone.   And yeah, I know that this is a normal thing to go through.  It doesn't make me feel any less guilty, and less overwhelmed, any less of a failure.

I am trying to remember Christian's words in a nutshell... It is better to climb this difficult hill, to not fear it, and to not take the easy way out.  There are life lessons to be learned here, even if I don't want to learn them.  I can use this to help others.  And honestly, at this moment, that is the Only thing that keeps me trudging.

The Stages

So there is obviously stages in which I will be dealing with this.

First, there's the information is knowledge stage.  I found out soooo much information about Hashimoto's.  I learned what is good, what is bad, etc.  I armed myself with knowledge to embrace it, to fight it, and hopefully overcome it.

I've embraced it.  I am fighting it.  But there is one small problem.  I am in a very angry stage with it.

Can I just say for the record: I hate Hashimoto's!  Why!?  I hate it!  I hate having it! I hate fighting it!  I hate having to be so careful and take a pill, and supplements, and blah blah blah! I hate Hashimoto's! I don't think I can say this enough...

So yeah that is what I'm dealing with today.  

Anger helps, I know.  But it's frustrating nonetheless.  

On Gummy Bears & Brownies

I LOVE gummy bears...but I hate some of them now.  No, not because they taste bad, or because they are so colourful and ridiculously chewy and juicy at the same time. I am so mad that my favorite candy treat....has gluten!  Well, duh! How else do you think they keep those crazy little bears, (and worms, too) together??  Wheat! Man, I was so bummed!  I think Haribo sells gluten free ones... And they are good.  However, the ones at Kroger in the marketplace bulk section, those are the ones I crave.

In other news, I tried the Gluten Free Brownies made by Betty Crocker today.  Not bad.  I had a few bites.  They are rich and more on that dark Choclate side.  I'm impressed! I am not a big baked goods eater, but these hit the spot...the one I have that craves chocolate brownies once a month.

With every good intention...

So today was supposed to be the first day of a 3-5 day cleanse that I am doing on my own.  It's based off of The Blueprint Cleanse.  However, like the space cadet that I am, I had a minor bump in the road.  I bought all my ingredients.  Chopped up all that was needed for breakfast, snack,  and lunch for today.  I did this yesterday before going to my nephews grad party.  I packed it all, including my Ninja blender.  I took the cooler inside and set it by the air conditioner so it wouldn't be gross in the hot car.  I had to leave the party to go to a clients house.  I had planned my meals, because I was staying the night over at the clients, due to him needing 24/7 care.  I left it there at my sister in-laws.  I was devastated...nearly in panic mode.

You see, I had mentally prepared myself to hit the ground running with this thing.  Now, it was delayed.  I couldn't have been more disappointed in myself.

In an effort to overcome it, I came to the conclusion that I've been delaying things all my life...what's one more day?!

That's just it though.  Don't we always do that.  We tell ourselves, that we will start tomorrow.  We will promise that this is the last binge, the last treat, the last indulgence.  Tomorrow comes and we reason with ourselves, "What's one more day?" Again, the vicious cycle begins. Over and over.

I am promising myself not wait another day due to this delay.  Yeah, I didn't get to start today.  But I refuse to let it set me back.  I may have very well let myself give up.  Last night I posted a full length selfie on Facebook.  I don't normally do that.  I don't like what my body looks like.  I was wearing the most colourful outfit I think I have ever owned.  I explained that for years I have let myself just be, just let go, and hide behind shades of black and white.

I am overwhelmed with the response I received.  I have the most amazing people in my life.  I have what feels like a thousand cheerleaders!  God revealed something so amazing to me...I'm never alone.  I won't do this alone.  I don't have to.  I have to do it, but I have friends and family who care enough to respond when I am at my worst and lift me up.  Some told they admire me.  How humbling!  I admire them more than I can even express.

I am nothing with Christ, who strengthens me.  He does this in my everyday life.  My body, spirit, and mind.  It is He that we should admire.  He carries me through all of it.

As I get ready to cleanse my body with nutrients...I feel as though I needed to cleanse my spirit first...and God made a way for that.  Where there is healing, there is peace.

I'm ready.

Bring on Tuesday!!!

This is Bananas!

Banana bread, I hate you. Okay, not really.  How do I love thee, let me count the ways...I love thee with butter, I love thee warmed up, I love thee with a cup of strong Earl Grey and honey....
Enough drooling, already!

Sheesh!!

So, guess what I ate today? Isn't it obvious.
Well, it's not an epic failure.  To also clarify I didn't make it and only had a piece.  I'm good now.  I don't need to eat another piece for a very, very long time.

Welcome to my crazy week! I feel like I'm on a "goodbye tour".  I have been eating very little gluten, but when I do, I tell it, "Goodbye". Parting, really is such sweet sorrow.  I know I need to cut out the gluten in my diet.  I told myself within the next week and a half, I need to be strictly following it.
So, in the meantime, I farewell foods which are keeping me from being the best me.  I feel like a kid again.

I moved a lot as a child and had to say goodbye to so many friends.  Sure, I made new ones, but I missed those old friends and remembered them forever.  They were good memories.  When I review my life, I have no regrets.  I wouldn't be here today without each and every one of those friends.  I wouldn't be here writing this blog if I hadn't of experienced how Hashimoto's effects my life.
However, it is time to move on.  Time to make new acquaintances, or alternatives in this case.
So bananas are good.  Just not in bread. No more Monkey Business! ;-)

"Don't pass the bread, please?"

So, I tried a gluten free bread today.  Two things I learned: I don't care for it much, and might just be happy doing without.  If I have it again, it will be much more thinly sliced.  I had it with sandwich meat, and frankly, it was gross.  I ended up rolling the meat around my pickle and eating it alone.  I've never been a fan of bready stuff though.  No bread? I'm good, thanks!

In other news, I had a Boston Heart Diagnostic run on me a few weeks ago.  My triglycerides are super high.  The good news is, I can change it.  The bad news...Niacin! My doctor is recommending Niacin and I'm not exactly happy about that.  It causes flushing and well, I do that enough as it is.  I will be supplementing  with L methylfolate, Vitamin D, and fish oil, or Levozaz.  I also get the fine privilege of taking Lipitor or Crestor depending on insurance.

My cholesterol level is within range, but because my triglycerides are wonky, I get a candy dish for breakfast.  :-/ These may not all be permanent, I don't think.  And if my information seems wrong, forgive me, I'm trying to soak it all in and learn.

What an adventure... This should be fun!